Friday Nov 3, 2006..... I will never forget that day in my life... I thought Mon Oct 30, 2006 was the worst day, the day when we decided to change our relationship and made some painful, sad decisions in life... but yesterday was even worst day than that.... in fact the worst day of my life..
You came to me with great acrimony. You were so uptight and exasperated. Your thoughts and words and expressions on that day were very deep, direct, and heart-breaking. It has changed this relationship, it has changed the perspective of everything between you n me, it has made me learn a very hard lesson of life... And I know that you probably will NEVER read my thoughts here, so I am not even writing it for you any more.. but I still want to write it down for me, so I will always carry these bitter memories with me for rest of my life...
I can NEVER forget your words... your each and every word was hitting me as if someone was crushing me with huge rocks.. felt like someone was cutting my heart with sword and I was bleeding.. your words keep ringing in my ears day n night.. ya i know, its not even 2pm yet (isn't that what you said yesterday).. its not even 24 hrs.. but your words are hunting me everywhere n every time.. they are not leaving me alone.... and not letting me live peacefully.... they are making me restless and I am loosing my mind over it, I am loosing my sleep over it, I am loosing my peace over it....
yes, you have way more phone calls from me on your home phone and cell phone.. more than all other calls combined.. I keep sending you emails and SMS and offline mesages like crazy... i keep asking you so many times if you will be on chat even if you say no... you told me few times that you hate to attend the calls when you are driving, but it didn't make any difference to me, I anyway keep calling you ALL the time... Thu night you told me that your back was hurting and you were not in a mood to talk, but I still went on and on as if you didn't say anything....and who knows how long I would have continued.... and yesterday my first call was @ 8am while you were still in the bed... and it was not even 2 pm and how many times I had called you since morning? may be 8 or 9 times.... You said its TOO MUCH.... i am taking undue advantage of this friendship and this relationship... how many timess I keep asking you if you are going to be online, if you are going to see me on weekend...such a jerk I have been....you are feeling lot of pressure...you were so frustrated and angry and said...... "yes, I am the Black Box and I have been always like that. I want my own time on weekend, so I am able to be back to work on Mon.. there is a reason why I live there, once I cross the bridge no one goes in n out of that area... i dont like to be surrounded by people...I am like this always and I want to be by myself, I want my space and let me be in that... i like to be in my den, no matter how much other people are screaming and yelling outside, i don't care.. i told you to stay away and leave me alone for sometime. But since then its like the switch has been flipped, your behavior is exactly opposite of what I said.... You are just clinging on it, holding onto it, just not letting it go... it becomes TOO MUCH after a point... and in America there is a word for that " N A G G I N G".........if i have a free moment, if I am not doing anything or not with anyone, doesn't mean that i will be spending that time with you.. i CAN'T do that and I WON'T do that.... I can be very well by myself in my own space and let me live like that..... what do you know about how I treat other people... other people are just noises for me, they are standing between where I am and where I want to go.. and I will go around them and if required I will be go over them.... if they ask me, "hey what you think about me?" I will tell them, "hey, you know what, I don't give a damn about you".... but I am not treating you like other people.....otherwise I wouldn't have been sitting here with you....but you are taking disadvantage of me and my friendship......"wow...... you said so many things and so easily....... i am on the verge of having nervous breakdown, but somehow managing myself and trying to not show it to the world...
yes, I cancelled our study time for next week cause I don't want to bother you with that, again asking you, hey do you want to get together and study..... you will come to me if you want to..... I came to return your headphone also, but you stopped me... the"Good Angel" you gave me will not be in front of me every time.....
I can't and won't return everything to you....... not the memories, not the feelings, not the moments that we spent together....
You said few times "get the hell out of here"... until now I used to think that you were kidding, but now I know that you were serious, you really wanted it.......
I was stupid and out of my mind that I didn't understand your signals and continued following you... bothering you... nagging you....I should have left you alone long time back...... but I was helpless.. your love and ofcourse my love for you kept me pulling towards you.. and even more when you wanted me to go away........ well, as per your wish, I will keep distance from you for a while hoping that you would come back to me and not walking out of my life forever...I sincerely
hope that this distance between us will help ameliorate our relationship and may erase those negative feelings about me from your mind!
You were saying and will probably still say that I am over-reacting... I am not sure about it... but can I say something??? I accede that I was bothering you, "nagging" you as you said, but you could have said all those things in a much nicer way... there are always ways to say things... and I thought I had a special place in your life, so atleast to me you wouldn't say things in that way.... oh well......
I understood one thing.... one gap between us..... and I am not blaming you for that, it's just the way we both are.....
For you..... you treat other people very differently.. and so the way you treat me is "different" in your opinion.... but for me.... the way you treat me is like a normal way that I treat other people... and the way I treat you is even beyond that.....so your "different" way of treating me is actually just a "normal" way for me...... you are thinking from your perspective that I am not treating her like how I treat others and then why she is still unhappy.... but from my perspective I think that why is he treating me like this and why not in a speical way........ not sure what I am trying to say is confusing......
see like for example..... when I called you Thu night, your back was hurting..... if it was someone else calling, you probably would ignore their call and not even respond.... but it was me, so you picked up the phone and talked to me for a while and then you said that as your back is hurting you were not in a mood to talk..... for you that was a "different/special" behaviour towards me...... If I was in your place, alone at home, my back is hurting and you called me..... I would keep talking to you for hours if possible.... cause I would badly need you that time and talking to you even on phone would make me forget my pain for a little while... but if it was someone else calling, I would just pick up the call and talk briefly and then tell them that I can't talk for a long as my back is hurting..... I am explaining it here as if you are going to read this all...... wishful thinking on my side.... :(.... so see, that's the gap between us.. which made me feel upset or sad and made you feel that I was nagging and bothering you..... we both are right in our own place, its just the different perspective we have.....
I am sitting back n thinking, if this day has changed my feelings towards you, do I still like you? do I still love you or do I abhor you? do I still care for you? will I still be your "Good Angel" for rest of the life? do I still want to be your "Good Angel"? .....
Well.. I am upset and sad, emotionally disturbed and completely destroyed and devastated, insulted and abased in a way I never was.. I am hurt, my heart is crying.. I don't think our relationhip was ephemeral, I always thought it was (is) eternal......
I still can't believe that you said all those things to me... .someone else in my place, who has more self respect, would probably leave you and never turn back and look at you, even forget about your existance and would say, who cares about you...but may be I don't have that self-respect, or I think I do have, but my feelings towards you are overriding my self-respect..... inspite of what you said to me and the emotional breakdown that I am going through... my feelings for you have not changed a bit, I still care for you, I still like you, I still love you, I still miss you, I still want to be your "Good Angel".... and I know that probably it will not be a reciprocative feeling any more, but my feelings for you are still the same and they will be FOREVER........ you are probably thinking that what a jerk, a shameless person I am, still not letting it go inspite of all this........
But hey, don't worry....atleast these feelings are not gonna bother you any more......I am sure that you are never ever going to read it all, so you won't even know my feelings and the tough time I am going through......I am writing it to myself..... these feelings will never bother you...... you are a lion and you be happy in your den...now I will not be standing outside your den and knocking on the door, waiting for you to come out or let me come in, I will not be screaming and yelling out on the door..... ofcourse I will still be there, always, but hiding from you, standing far away in a corner, from where I can always see you if you ever step outstide your den, but you will not even know about my existance unless you walk towards me...
